The Medieval Bestseller
I read it somewhere on the Internet...
Friday, February 23, 2007

Although I adore my medium-firmness, compact head toothbrush, I actually really, really dislike brushing my teeth. When I was a little girl, my grandpa was a dentist. Grandpa was not only a dentist, he was my dentist (he was also a professional football player back in the day when they had leather helmets, but that's neither here nor there). He ran his office out of his and my granny's house and so I'd go over for check-ups and what not. I think of Danny, David, Joey and I, Grandpa worked on my teeth the most. In fact, I don't think that Danny and David even went to Grandpa for their teeth...right Danny? My teeth were a mess when I was a little girl - they jutted out from every single place possible, yet somehow Grandpa managed to help me enough so that I never had to wear braces (but that was painful and often required a lot of novocain). They still look pretty good (with the exception of my baby's genetic, but looks like I've chipped half of a tooth off). To this day, my grandpa will still stop me from time to time at family functions and ask me to show him my "bite."

Anyway, I remember after every session Grandpa would give me these little, chewy, purple pill-like things that I was supposed to chew after brushing my teeth. They'd expose the areas that my brushing did not cover. I swear to you those purple pills must have had it out for me, as I would brush and brush and brush and still have purple spots ALL over my teeth. I hated those purple pills. That's probably why I have like 7 cavities, because eventually I'd just stop brushing, leave those purple spots on there and call it a night. That's also probably why I hate brushing my teeth so much, because I'd have to constantly do it to remove those purple spots.

That and I hate how it gets so foamy...before I know it, I have toothpaste dribbling out of my mouth, running down my right hand, dripping on my shirt, falling on the floor, etc. How people can keep toothpaste inside their mouth while brushing their teeth is really beyond me and my capabilities. I brush strictly by leaning over the sink (so as to drip all of the foam into the drain) and would be hard-pressed to brush for longer than a 30-second interval. In fact, sometimes I feel totally guilty because there are some girls on this floor who will start brushing their teeth and, in the time while they're doing that, I can micturate, brush my teeth and wash my face, all before they're even finished. If Grandpa knew this, he might not be proud. (and he might try to give me some of those dreaded purple pills...)

Anyway, I bring all of this up because tonight, as I was brushing my teeth with my beloved toothpaste (it's like a party in your mouth...I won't lie - it takes a few brushings to get used to the baking soda, but once you do, there's really no turning back), I noticed that one of the other girls left her toothpaste on the shelf above the sink. Although I hate brushing (I'd consider stopping, but I have something akin to Catholic guilt about brushing twice a day), I do love my toothpaste. Although this is the case, other toothpastes do intrigue me (yet always disappoint and even repulse me). Tonight, as I was looking at this tube of toothpaste on the shelf, I was especially intrigued because it is marketed as a "night" toothpaste. What the heck is a night toothpaste? Having worked in Marketing, I am especially leery when I see crap like that because I know it's all a farce.

BUT! That didn't stop me from wanting to try the toothpaste, even though it'd mean that I'd have to brush twice in the same evening (horror of horrors!). Since I have no shame or problem with using other people's stuff that they freely leave lying around, I finished up with my first brushing round and moved immediately to this night toothpaste. I put it on the bristles, placed it in my mouth and was immediately disgusted with the taste and the texture. I really should have realized I would be, as brushing with a baking soda toothpaste really does altar your toothpaste expectations. I braced myself and continued on in my brushing and then spit the toothpaste out and was further repulsed that one spit and rinse was not enough. I had to spit and rinse six times. No exaggeration. Very unpleasant.

So, my public service announcement to the internet community is this: Do not, whatever you do, EVER use this night toothpaste.

- Jenny, 2/23/2007 09:07:00 PM

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